


What Will Be

by ItsJustS0up



Category: Sex Education (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Post-Season/Series 02
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-27
Updated: 2020-02-09
Packaged: 2021-02-27 09:01:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,459
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22434568
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ItsJustS0up/pseuds/ItsJustS0up
Summary: Post-Season 2. Jean and Jakob navigate their relationship after the revelations of Season 2
Relationships: Jean Milburn/Jakob Nyman, Jean Milburn/Remi Milburn
Comments: 9
Kudos: 54





	1. Conundrum

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Post-Season 2. Jean is faced with past feelings and her present conundrum.

“It will work this time Jeanie, I can feel it.”

Remi was lying on their bed, breathing heavily. Their lovemaking had almost become mechanical, the positions rehearsed to give them every chance, a new beginning to their dwindling union in the form of a new life. She had stopped taking the pill almost two years ago, when Remi convinced her a child is what they both needed to make it work, to keep him grounded. “A real family, our own flesh and blood Jeanie,“ he had pitched to her over an overly expensive dinner, undoubtedly planned to make amends for his past indiscretions.

She knew it would never be enough to make him whole. Remi was always on the run. Until the next book, until the next woman, until she took him back… But she now desperately wanted something to give focus to her life, something to love unconditionally. They had been trying for so long now, she had wrestled with the idea of getting them tested.

One morning she stumbled across his open notebook about a client. “ _Deep need of attention. Requires a strong male figure. Friday evenings. No weekend calls._ ”

She was sick in the paper bin.

* * *

She felt numb most days. Few things seemed to cause her pain, except the sight of his stuff. He had managed to make his mark in every corner of her house. His loose change she still found in the side of the couch, socks with holes left in the laundry basket, the cheap shower gel labelled “peppermint and sea minerals” still in her bathroom. She sometimes stood in the shower and opened it. Just to smell him again. Using it would be too intimate so she keeps it in the bathtub corner, not letting herself hope it will be used again.

She lies awake most nights. She remembers a time wishing for a faithful husband, but mostly she remembers hoping for a child. Otis came like a deliverance. It was them three. And soon it was them two. She wonders if she could do it again, raising another life. Otis would be okay. Jakob would embrace it all, maybe even cry when told. She had experienced the kindness that lives in his heart. But she’s not ready to welcome it in her own just yet. She might crumble if she did.

She’s staring in the abyss of the frozen aisle when a tattooed hand slides the glass door shut in front of her.

“You know, it’s better for the planet when you close it,” he smiles. This big genuine smile that makes her heart ache.

“Wha- Jakob.”

She feels sick, swallowing quickly so she doesn’t ruin his work boots right here, between the Ben and Jerry’s and BirdsEye breaded fish fillets. That would be one way to tell him.

They stand silent, neither wanting to be the one walking away this time.

“You look lovely Jean.”

He is honest. She suddenly thinks his blue eyes can see through her. Her secret, the bump still very shy and concealable. She wants to tell him but she can’t let herself. He deserves to be wanted without having the confusion of a paternal duty she knows he’d happily take on. She wants him for all he is, not a part-time handyman, part-time father.

“I have to go,” she barely manages before rushing past him, the tears rising dangerously. She hears his deep “yeah” that has now become his usual response to her rejecting dialogue.

She locks herself into her car and hopes no one is queuing for her parking space. She’ll be a while.

* * *

She wakes up hot and soaked. Her perimenopause symptoms had been textbook so far but this felt like she had been submerged, bed sheets and all. As she reaches for the bedside lamp, she pauses and notices the unmistakable metallic scent. In the darkness, her hand holds the switch, frozen. She knows what this is. She doesn’t want to look. The switch clicks. Her eyes are still shut tight but she knows. She felt it inside. Her conundrum was over but she doesn’t think her heart can survive losing another part of him.


	2. Fixing It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Post-Season 2. Jean is trying to fix it but cannot let go of what she knows.

“You need to take it easy for the next week and do come back if you notice anymore heavy bleeding.”

She had been here before, though almost two decades ago. She remembered the advice like yesterday. This doctor was everything a patient could ask for: professional, compassionate, honest. So honest, her induction to the miscarriage statistics for middle aged women seemed like a formality when they first discussed it. _A full-term pregnancy is not impossible but quite improbable realistically, as it is a high-risk pregnancy with its share of complications due to your age._ She could sense the sympathy reaching her across the desk, as if her physician too had considered Dr Jean Milburn would defeat the numbers. She had secretly let herself hope that too. But no matter.

  
She leaves the office with a prescription and the sensation of stepping on fluffy clouds. Her body empty, her head heavy and dazed. She can’t help but wince at the a parallel between her biological rejection to her behaviour towards him. Unable to make her mind up, to fully embrace him, she had pushed him away. Every last part of him. She was truly impregnable. _Too independent._

  
What kept her awake at night was no more. _But Jakob…_ Her thoughts always go back to him. She can’t let herself go there though. As she drives home, she wants to erase everything that happened from the moment she stepped into that doctor’s office. She wishes she’d never known. She wishes she had woken up to bleeding, blamed it on her irregular periods and never have given it a second thought. But ignorance was a luxury she had forfeited. She had to go on living knowing what could have been.

* * *

  
She doesn’t know how she ended up in his living room, a glass of wine in her hand. Well, she did know.

  
It had been two months since she texted him. She had felt like a teenager: rephrasing, waiting, embarrassment and fear creeping in with every minute without a reply. For someone who expects their clients to use words and vocalise their feelings, she was terrible at it. She chickened out calling him on the phone multiple times. She resigned herself to written words. After endless drafts trying to rationalise her behaviour with Remi, she admitted Jakob deserved better. The truth. _‘I’m sorry. My heart aches without you.’_

Her phone rang that night. She just listened, lying on the bed and looking at the cracks in her ceiling. She could hear his frown, his head bowed down, her betrayal still heavy on his shoulders. He wanted more time. A week later he messaged her about coffee.

  
Their re-acquaintance is slow. She couldn’t blame him for being distant. She had been the one invading his personal space, smelling him, removing pieces of fluff from his clothes, standing inches apart from his face. And yet she had been unable to accept him in her space, her house. No, he would be leading their dance this time.

He looks tired. His hair is longer, similar to when they first met. His stubble greyer than how she kept picturing it her mind late at night. 

He insists on cake with coffee. “Sugar makes everything better,” he says. He uses a fork, except to lick the icing off the plate. He apologises for using his finger. She says nothing but smiles. He hugs her longer each time, his hand lingering on her neck, under her hair. She closes her eyes and tries to capture his scent, bottling it in her mind until she can’t remember it anymore and prays for a message.

  
When he kisses her, they are standing next to his van. Hungry for each other like the first time, the Fixin’ it logo painted yellow behind them. They are fixing it. “I miss you Jean,” he whispers in her ear. She shuts her eyes tightly, hoping it stops the tears.

* * *

  
It is the first time she’s back in his living room. Nothing has changed. He must have fixed the coffee table or if it’s a new one, she can’t tell. She’s anxious, nervously sipping her wine while he tidies the kitchen.   
She knows their last kiss was full of promise, anticipation. She tells herself nothing has changed but she knows it’s a lie. She should have told him when he took her hand over the third coffee. She should have told him when she looked at him for a moment too long and he smiled at her.

  
As they lie naked on his bed, she thinks she should have stopped them tonight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are always very much appreciated. Thoughts about a Chapter 3?


End file.
